The practice of collecting gifts at weddings in Bangladesh bears a striking resemblance to the ancient Egyptian moneylenders who would sit on long benches in their courtyards, accounts book and pen in hand, to collect overdue debts. Similarly, in Bangladeshi weddings, a designated person sits at the entrance of the bride or groom’s house, or at a community center, armed with a notebook and pen to collect gifts from invited guests. The wider the smile of the collector, the heavier the gift or the thicker the envelope. Those who arrive empty-handed or simply come to eat are met with disdainful glances from the collectors, who subtly convey the message that this is not a gathering for the poor. The invitation is not just an invitation to eat; it’s a demand to give first and then eat.
Nowadays, a wedding invitation has become a source of anxiety. Not giving a gift while attending the feast is considered unacceptable. The concept of free meals is obsolete. The minimum expected gift is 500 taka, but many slip in five 100 taka notes to make the envelope appear thicker. If the collector is clever, they will count the money and record the amount along with the guest’s name. They will then announce the guest’s name and the value of the gift loudly for everyone to hear. Those who don’t give gifts are remembered by the hosts, who often find ways to subtly point out their stinginess. Some people retaliate by attending the non-givers’ weddings and eating for free. This social practice has eroded interpersonal relationships. The poor have stopped visiting the homes of their wealthy relatives. This unhealthy culture of gift-giving has become deeply entrenched in society.
Is it just weddings? Birthdays, circumcision ceremonies, wedding anniversaries, or Aqiqa (a naming ceremony for a Muslim child) – in short, except for Shraddha (a Hindu post-death ritual), all these events and invitations create an occasion for receiving gifts. If the inviter is a boss, a senior, or a socially influential person, the invitees are in great distress. If the Almighty is displeased, then there’s trouble ahead. Therefore, even beyond one’s means, one has to give gifts to satisfy the inviter. The famous poet Ahsan Habib, in his poem “Dhonnobad” (Thank You), described a clerk who brought chocolates for Dolly (a puppy) at a birthday party, but Dolly didn’t even take them. Such luck is not for guests these days! Rather, the food and hospitality are allocated based on who has brought what gift. After the event, a family meeting is held to discuss the gifts, the gift-givers’ names, and their tastes.
Receiving gifts willingly or forcefully at weddings or any other event, creating social pressure to give gifts – these are all despicable acts of petty-mindedness. Yet, the wealthy and influential in society organize these petty gatherings frequently, often multiple times a year. Sometimes, in some events, people write on the card, “Gifts are not acceptable,” or verbally say, “Please don’t bring anything.” One should appreciate such generosity, although their number is very few. However, Bengalis, upon hearing this, become even more suspicious – does this mean they have forbidden me to bring a gift because I am poor? Then, they buy a gift at a price several times higher than what they originally intended to give! We have almost destroyed the system of sincere and harmonious relationships in society. Now, even to eat at an invitation, one has to pay like in a hotel! The only difference is, in a hotel, one eats first and then pays the bill, but in an invitation, one pays the bill first and then eats!
The compulsion to give gifts is forcing people into anti-social behavior. With two or three invitations every month, each mandating a gift, people are compelled to resort to illegal means to earn money. Those who can’t afford it are forced to decline or evade invitations, leading to the decline of familial relationships. Sometimes, even if one cannot attend an event, they are expected to send a gift! Whether this is a sign of social harmony or its antithesis is debatable. However, to be part of society, one must interact with it. Thus, many people are forced to comply, albeit reluctantly.
In a society where values have deteriorated and corruption is rampant, a few rebels are necessary. One must have immense willpower and conviction to decide not to accept or give gifts. Only then should one organize or attend events. The practice of reciprocating a meal invitation with a gift is unhealthy and lacks humanity. The society is obsessed with calculations of expenses and returns. Bonds of kinship, sincerity, and familial ties have eroded significantly. We must rethink the norms of the society we live in. There is a need for a change in our attitude towards gifts and social interactions. Someone must take the initiative to stop this unhealthy trend. Could that person be you or me?
There’s no strict obligation to invite someone over for a meal. People should be fed based on their ability and willingness. Feeding others is one of the noblest deeds in Islam. However, inviting someone with the expectation of a gift, reaching out for something before being served, or eagerly waiting for something in return when leaving are not signs of a healthy mindset. Commit to at least one good deed: invite someone to a meal without expecting anything in return except prayers. Even selfless feeding carries blessings. Feeding others increases prosperity. Welcoming guests reduces troubles. Don’t let the greed for gifts destroy these noble intentions. However, if someone lovingly offers a small gift, accept it with a smile. Forcing or lecturing defeats the purpose of a good event.
