We, those born in Bangladesh, have probably grown up hearing these things. ‘So-and-so’s son topped the class, why can’t you?’ ‘So-and-so’s daughter got into BUET, why couldn’t you pass?’ ‘So-and-so’s son got a government job, why couldn’t you?’ And so on. Not just our parents, but also our relatives, enthusiastically joined in on these conversations. Their mindset was that by saying such things, the child would become more determined and strive to prove themselves. After marriage, many women, despite their hard work, might have heard from their in-laws, ‘That woman from that house is so virtuous,’ or from their father’s family, ‘Her son-in-law is so rich, he has such a big house,’ and so on. Or perhaps you’ve heard people say about your daughter with a slightly darker complexion, ‘Oh my, is this your daughter? Her father’s complexion seems to be dirty?’ or ‘How will you get her married? Nowadays, finding a good match for girls is difficult, especially with that complexion…’ And think about that dark-skinned girl, everywhere she goes, her complexion becomes the center of attention. No matter how qualified and virtuous she is, everything is overshadowed by her skin color.
I’ve also seen in schools and colleges how teachers seem to be more concerned about how little we know rather than how much we know or our potential. And when it came to giving grades, they would be extremely stingy. As if grades were their own personal property and giving out too many would bankrupt them.
By nature, we Bengalis are a pessimistic race. Instead of seeing a half-filled glass as “half-full,” we prefer to say it’s “half-empty.” We love to focus on what we don’t have or where we fall short. We are masters at finding flaws in seemingly perfect things. Growing up in such a hostile society, we have learned to despise ourselves, to condemn ourselves for our imperfections. We have forgotten how to feel worthy of anything. In such an environment, some of us have overcome life with our own mental capacity, while others have fallen by the wayside. Not everyone has the same mental capacity to withstand stress. Some can face adversity with a strong mind, while others break down mentally under the same circumstances. And in our society, the subject of the human mind is one of the most neglected topics.
What if the situation were reversed? What if, instead of belittling others, everyone always used positive reinforcement to uplift them? If, after a poor exam result, everyone were to say, ‘It’s okay, keep trying, you’ll do better next time,’ and maybe the teacher could offer some extra credit to boost their morale. At the very least, they could encourage the student with a few uplifting words to raise their confidence. Self-confidence is something that shows people the way forward. The belief that ‘I can’ or ‘we can’ can drive people to achieve great things and bring success in life. President Obama’s slogan, ‘Yes, we can,’ helped him become America’s first Black president.
When I first went to college in New York, I realized the inconsistencies of our society. The words of my course advisor, Professor Batler, from the first recreation therapy class, have been firmly etched in my mind. He said, “We are all perfect with all our imperfections.” Self-confidence is not an ordinary thing; it’s a tonic that invigorates the human soul, drives away despair, and gives one the courage to live with dignity. A self-respecting person can love themselves. Self-love is essential for living.
As a recreational therapist working in a mental hospital, my daily routine involves inspiring and motivating patients. One day, a 40-year-old client, a New York University graduate with a successful career and a family of doctors, looked at me like a pauper and said, “Miss Jasmine, please say something inspiring and motivating.” Perhaps that day, the person was deeply immersed in depression and made such a sad request.
For those who haven’t learned to love themselves yet, or don’t love themselves, focus on your own good qualities. Seek out those special traits that make you unique and rare. Don’t worry if others don’t appreciate you; love yourself. Speak positively to yourself. Our minds crave such beautiful and positive words. Negative self-talk can become a reality over time. Your height, weight, skin tone—none of that matters. You’re one of a kind. You don’t need anyone else to validate your existence. You yourself should become invaluable to yourself. We teach clients to hug themselves. We tell them, ‘When you feel down, hug yourself and never feel alone.
